A space between myself and the world

I am two months different than before.
I just turned into an adult, waiting to be irresponsible in the college.
I took up a job, that has change my whole life and my perspective about the corporate world.
I hooked up with the past with lots of gatherings and also preparing for the 'bright' unclear future.
I am finding the space between myself and the world...

Having most of my time occupied in the day, working in a hectic environment with the most interesting summer job, I realized I have not been facing myself for a while now. Not to mention that I have left this blog -the medium for me to look into my soul and reflecting my feelings and thoughts untouched, I was also driven into a new pace that I am still not used to.

Funny for me to announce that I have found my key to freedom, where freedom could superficially means getting home late and drinking unconsciously. Many told me that I might be used in the states for buying drinks since I am now in the legal age. Getting into clubs is no longer a trouble. In fact, I am writing this entry just after a night out.

Knowing lots of things about the other parts of the world doesn't mean that I am living my life meaningfully right now. KL is not really a happening scene , or at least My life here doesn't allow me to explore much. I am not finding it out. It amazed me how little i know about my own city when my UWC friends, Cheryl, Mariam , Turid, Maciej and Game came down for a visit. I was busy finding the right train stations and the right restaurant to them. The hippiest chinese restaurant in town to bars on top of the hotel. Perhaps no one would disagree with me when I say missing UWC is more about the conversation than anything else. The conversation which we can all engaged in with understanding and also able to speak our thoughts without fearing much 'taboos'. We are all fighting our own culture taboos in one way or another.

Thanks to luck, my boss allows me to be who I want to be. Our conversations in the office always made my day and life is never dull again. We discuss about various issues from economics to politics and to the future aspect of my career. Being a long time observer of my kind(Chinese), there are always real life example to be brought and lessons learned from trying to choose the right husband. haha. Our culture really does have some ridiculous measures when it comes to career and relationship. Will I ever be influenced or completely got out of it?

The job itself, being involved in a recruitment project for an international company, has been challenging than ever. Two months ago I will never guessed that I could know so much about the oil and gas industry, to such extend that I can communicate with professionals from all over the world where we could discuss about their technical skills and their working experience. I am amazed by how things worked out. Personal Relationship really does influence the outcome of events. One call from a family friend helped tie my relationship with the company and thus the project. If I stay long enough, who knows what other opportunity would come right in front of me ?

Then it was the hooking up. Frankly, I would prefer to be hooked up with new people for new stories. Although it is nice to reminiscing with the past and the clumsy me of year 200x, somehow I am craving to know the inner thoughts of these good old friends. From hill top gathering to fancy karaoke sessions and Mamaks, will there ever be a gathering to discuss about our new interest and new life after separated our paths 4 years ago? I wonder playing in the orchestra means anything to me anymore. Glad that even losing some really important friends in my life, I am able to stand up for the rest. I have to love myself more. Not by creating an image that everybody else expects but to be happy with who I am right now. Every experience helped me evolve and I love the new me even more each day.

I have always enjoy teaching. I came across one orphanage in my city after HDF and I found so much similarities in the children here in my own place and in the Bangkok slums. They are equally smart and tacky and always find ways to seek for love. I have the ability to hang out with the little ones not only in Thai, but also my own language! I am even better teaching drawing in Mandarin. Their stories are equally heart breaking and they made me miss Thailand even more. How much love could I be giving out and how am I going to distribute my love to the a new bunch of people? Is that a simple division or is it more complicated than an advanced math questions?

I really hope that even though I am in a middle of a deadline at work and hectic lifestyle with ongoing events, I will find my space, a space only for myself, before reaching out to a whole new world in a month time.

An article for the National Committee Malaysia(click)

You will never realize have much have you learn until you sum it up, reflect upon it and write it down!

New Job!!!

Working in the office is….Quiet.

I can tell that people are curious, wondering, but still they stay calm. No gossips, no questions. Just random small talks.

It allows me to think, to organize, to clear my mind and start thinking again.

Nobody is limiting the workload nor telling me how many cases I should handle per day. BTW I am working for a recruiting company. Yeah, where they help people find company and help Company find people. Very interesting….

This marks my first time working with Malaysians in a multiracial office. It is quiet significant as I was never arranged in this kind of setting before.

Not to mention the commuting to and from work, it was a mixture of ….SMELL!!

From food vendors, to the train and then the light rail transit, It was a scent that transfers and evolves from fragrance in the morning and smoke at the station into the sweat and breath in the middle of a crowded train. I still remember my fellow volunteer friend, Jodie likes to warn people beforehand that she doesn’t like to be touched. “I just don’t like the feeling of being touched!”

Well, Jodie, you should try our train!!! After the dramas of the increasing oil price, this is what I get ….all the SMELL!!!

No more bumping!

By the time I realized, I have been to the airport three times in a row and the last time, I was the one saying goodbye.

It wasn't as dramatic I imagined. I have experienced that feeling before. Its just a farewell revisited, one of the many farewells I have in my life now.

Glad that I didn't regret not spending enough moment with my love ones in Thailand. It has been a special experience and these eight months has shaped another part of me.

I discovered how to become the most down to earth person in the world and spend the least you can on things, and then realize how comfortable is at home that you wouldn't mind spending extra for the comfort. Balancing the two idea can be a knowledge of a lifetime.

First thing I was being nagged about at home was how NOT picky I am with food anymore. All I need is rice for all three meals! Not even considering the variety nor the taste. I will be pampered for the next two months and I know its Okay since i will be going off again on my own.
This marks the ending of Thailand, but another beginning of my journey, soon.

MERCY ON CNN!(CLICK)

I was right beside Nitaya when the picture was taken!:P

Do I want the opportunity?

The last few days of volunteering have been extremely easy and reluctant. Not much responsibility, even I do, we can’t really stay here to catch on the waves of Mercy or observe the consequences of our work.

As my laptop screen’s crack getting worse each day, which is a big urge for me to get everything on together, including burning all the information off the laptop, getting pictures processed for the kids, getting my art projects in the graphic room done, though I merely make half the progress.

I don’t really think I have made big achievements here, but one of the things that I am proud of most is that I am willing to share my thoughts and insight about the place. I hoped that the scholarships Mercy receive for the UWC could reach out for more candidates, so I suggested a presentation on the school with the sponsorship department. As I have been rejected presenting it in my own high school back in Malaysia. I am aware of the kind of people I am facing and my goal of the day.

Back home, the reason of objecting the presentation is “Why are you giving so many people hope where they can easily settle down in a local college. This scholarship is only for the smart ones and there aren’t many here.”

I felt the protective voice from the teacher. However, I also recognized that this has always been the case for an adult. They always trying to measure what we really want or what we can really succeed as in the future without really know what is really inside our little mind. In this case, Mercy is measuring the needs for the kids in the community.

I wanted to motivate souls like how I used to be moved by even the slightest challenge by a speaker on stage. I want to sing when I hear beautiful melodies, I want to drums along every rhythm I possibly come across and definitely not miss a slightest chance towards a big opportunity to make me into a better person.

Once again I was disappointed because my presentation about studying abroad to the slum kids is not likely to happen. I thought it was due to the absence of a translator, I was a little frustrated and pissed off about it. They seemed to be no solution since all other dates were booked. The clock is ticking and I am off in 16 days.

I went straight into the Manager office trying to ask for another arrangement. Turns out to be there are other reasons behind that.

“Slum kids are different than Mercy kids, but they are not a lot different. They tried their best to not be caught playing dirty, even their parents are among the plan. We gave out scholarship, but we have problems getting them to school. We subsidized stationeries and uniforms by receipts and we caught somebody faking receipts to get extra money. Since school is free, they spend school time selling god knows what on the street to get extra income for their family.”

Although I am not sure how large percentage that these problems happen to the group of hundreds sponsorship kids, I am undermining my own assumption that sponsorship kids will be more ready to face a different challenge than the difficult slum life. If they and their family still need constant monitoring from Mercy staffs, is it up to Mercy to think for them and their children what they need for an education? Half of the students doesn’t even make it to grade 10 and has to attend vocational school. That is not a shame. It is because Mercy stops trying to push them too hard, and push them too far from their own potential. We are praying for miracle to get hungry, deeply influenced by the environment, malnutrition, problematic-with-all-sorts-of-issues kids to do brilliantly at school and would be interested in furthering studies abroad.

That would mean investing more than 50 percent of their time starting from 0 to work on English, conversation, vocabulary and grammar where they could actually go somewhere else and sell t-shirts to earn some pocket money. Studying more doesn’t make their family full. Who am I to blame that they just don’t work hard enough to get good grades?

That is why we have Sister Joan giving milk run to the babies in the slums, just to have the right nutrition for the brain so that they can learn like the other kids. She also makes up for the uniforms, shoes, things to use at school so that the children and their parents can have enough time focusing on their homework instead of the school fees.

“We are helping them to help themselves. It is not a quick process, we must start from the right direction,” say Sister Joan as I was in yet another milk run of hers today.

It is not about me telling others how wonderful my life has been and how much experience I got that has changed my perspective of the world. It is about one having full attendance to school no matter how badly they performed. It is to secure them a place in their own society, not to make them an outsider.

One of our elder boys tried and got disappointed too many times. He was so down and it made the staffs felt guilty trying to make him a Somebody. He is now happily patrolling as a security guard at Mercy.

In the short run, slum kids will not sacrifice time for the fast but little flow of money on a daily basis for the big family. Education level will still remain low. Until enough subsidies is given to a family so that teenagers will not be burdened on supporting their elders and young anymore, will they make a decision by their own whether to learn more about the world beyond the four walls of family, country, the king and their world.

Looks like I am not witnessing it any sooner.

pic: the sea-gypsy kids are the main challenge of Mercy. One little step at each time.

Survivors!!(click)

Everybody thought I would cry myself out after experiencing this incident: ten ten ten ten...
yeah...I was bitten by a dog!!

8 doses of injection all together, plus taking care of the seemingly horrible deep scratch. Yet I have seen more severe cases these few days...

Sai chun, a kid who survived being in a rubbish dump for years, was announced by the doctor, that there is no hope for his eyes...He is going to school for the blind next Tuesday, learning braille, and he is excited about it.

The slum community has to survive the price inflation of the Rice, even the 5 year-old kindergarten kids were discussing about it!

A dear friend of my friend, who was always the smartest and top of the class, was put into coma two years ago after a motorcycle incident, could only blink his eyes. Today I saw him walking and talking to his best friends in a wedding, catching up the old days. Although he still speaks slowly and unable to read or write, he is determined to be a normal person again.

The kids at mercy don't get much pocket money, but I am lucky enough to see how they got extra money, by trading their favourite toy under one's pillow for 50 baht with the other kids. They sealed the deal quietly, skillfully, quickly!

Jodie and Misty are not worry bout adapting in Bangkok, rather how different they will be when they go back home. I wonder the same applies to me, seems that I have to work it out one more time.

'The Eagles catching little chicks' game that we used to play back home, it is called the " Father kidnapping child " here.

Hope there will be more survivors in Burma and China!

After making Sago cake with the AIDS patients, I got to know the patients so much more and we became close friends. However, the hospice is not an area of long stay. Those who got healthier will go home. I have to say goodbye to some of them next week. They are the survivors for the decease since they are able to live a relatively normal life compare to the rest.

Galong , a down-syndrome man in his 40s came back from the other province of Thailand. He got skinnier because he is missing his house father of 15 years, the elder boys home had been dismissed, due to attitude problems and he has lost his family. He has to stay with the younger boys now.

M, a mercy 1 kid who is in temple due to attitude problems, stole from a monk's room! He will stay in detention in the temple ...

We finally put up a workshop with Jodie teaching about how to help kids with autism. I tried to translate some of it and left the rest to the more experienced nurse. A success I think!

Hope you may find these survivor stories inspiring for you too!