Growing up in Malaysia, we often hear rumours about his secret lover, since his girlfriend is Malaysian. I have always known that this day would come, but didn't really expect that he has been hiding this relationship for this long.
I bet you are wondering: why suddenly brought up a tabloid like this?
Due to my nature, I did some research on Youtube and found a Taiwanese program that specially discussed about Andy Lau and his 'concrete' girlfriend. He was accused a liar by fans for hiding the fact that he is 'engaged', but that wasn't the point. If you are dumb enough to ignore this rumor and blindly thinks that he is still single at 50, that's fine.
My point is, which type of women could bear such anonymity and sacrifice? To be invisible? To be unknown? to have no voice of your own? The program proudly analyzed the other Superstars like Jackie Chan. He too, has been hidding his wife and son for 20 years. His wife, Lin Feng Jiao, was a rising star in Taiwan when they first met. However, as soon as she got pregnant, she announced her exit from the entertainment industry and willing to be Jackie's invisible wife.
Many said that (chinese) women can bear and sacrifice anything, as long as the man 'loves' her, (by giving her a son/ daughter?) she does not need to be 'certified'. I am not surprised that critics found this positive. They actually admire such persistence from these women, who ask nothing in return. Instead, always do whatever the men wants. They always take care of his needs: never jealous because they understand the nature of their job as movie stars; never walk hand-in-hand in the public; worse, never say a word when questions are raised.
Perhaps these are extreme cases, we are talking about superstars here. But I find this kind of character in woman exists everywhere. I was taught that self sacrifice without any return is an honorable thing to do. My mom is such a woman, and I slowly realized myself too, is slowly falling into this rhetoric:
- We are smart enough to let the guy 'win' in arguments (even though we know the truth is not necessary how he sees it);
- we suffer with them ( even if we could easily solve the problem by ourselves) because we don't want to ruin their reputation;
- we give them 'face' ( meaning not to ruin their public image, though the image might be a pretense);
- we keep our fights and our problems to ourselves (never tell others besides close family member);
- we give everything into the relationship: heart, soul, and 'self'. Being in the relationship seem to require us to lose our sense of self: we no longer pursue our own dreams ( especially dreams like movie star, singer, public figure that would outweigh the man), our own hobbies (cause our time is used to adjust around their life).Some might even give up their job and be a 24/7 mother.
Lastly, just want to throw this into my argument: What is the cause of Domestic Violence?
Last week, I watched a movie " Te doy mis ojos" ( I give you my eyes) about domestic violence and I have to write a commentary on it:
The husband has been abusing his wife for years but still claims to love her. She left him to stay with her sister, and found her passion in being an Art Curator in Museums and decided to pursue her dreams. ( she found her 'self') But as she decided to go back home to his husband, her husband was challenged by the fact she dresses up for work, and not answers his phone calls. He thought she is cheating thus he lost his temper again and started to smash things in the house. At the end of the story, the wife was heading to her new job interview, when his husband stripped her off by force and humiliated her by locking her in the balcony of the house.
Just to be brief, she finally decided to leave him, even though he has not beaten her since.
I thought domestic violence are caused by man's insecurity of their 'self' rather than insecurity about the woman. He might have low self-esteem at work or his social life and therefore needs to release their sense of defeat at home by acting like a 'tyrant'. Housewives are usually the victims because they depend on their husband so much for living. Thus, bearing their temper seem to be the most natural thing to 'pay back' for what he has given to her, financially. But is this fair?
Going back to the Andy Lau and Jackie Chan's case-- Yes, I am happy for the women in their story. But are they the best example in showing the role of Chinese women in a relationship?
Having grow up in this culture and having exposed to romantic stories in novels and movie of this nature, I can't help the fact that I am clearly influenced by such rhetoric when I am in a relationship. I am 'weak' and 'self'less. But I am determined to be a more outspoken and independent woman, even though most of the time that does not really please the man.
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